The Things Some People Ask:
(and the way some people reply):
Q. Is it a right handed or Left handed Stick
A: This is one of the rare dual purpose sticks - or at least it was until the left hand end got split
Q: wat sise battries does it take i want to convert it to a litesabre
A: It's an ale powered model I'm afraid
Q: It is indeed a fine stick, but does it come with a carrying bag? PS Ironmen also have some used clog rubbers and faded fresh flowers for sale
A: No carrying bag - but it will be delivered in a natty cardboard tube about the same diameter as a whisky bottle...
Q: I have been informed that Morris Sticks are reputed to bring luck to their owners. Do you have any idea as to how much luck is left in this model? If so, what sort of luck? Last time I got a morris stick it hurt my dog as it hit him on the head when I threw it for him and my girlfriend got pregnant (that might have been after wearing a morris man's hat though).
A: Well, this one brought us luck - when it was broken the other weekend the landlord was so upset he stood a round for each Morris Man.
Q: I wonder if the stick broke due to the excessive consumption of Abbot Ale? If I were to give the stick a retirement home here in the East with Barley Brigg would it thrive on the local Adnams?
A: It certainly would - this little chap was weaned on Adnams on many visits to Southwold
Q: Is this stick from a renewable source and furthermore would you offer postal insurance? I am a bit concerned that you've only shown the front view - could you let me know if there's any damage on the back? I am told that sticks from the area of Suffolk that you mention can be quite unreliable - would you give a full refund if not completely satisfied?
A: The stick certainly comes from a renewable source - coppiced Suffolk hazel. I can confirm all round damage so no refund needed.
Q: The finish looks quite smooth in your picture - has this been de-barked in the traditional 'Suffolke Stylee' or is just worn out?
A: Simply worn through frequent use - particularly during Fanny Frail.
Q: Is it possible to have a look at your stick before we buy?
Q: I have an identical stick in the boot of my car - do you think we'd get more if we sold them as a pair? Steve (Squire, The Traditional Ilmington Morris Men)
A: Probably not - we'd be accused of making these sticks two-a-penny.
Q: I notice that this is a single stick. Does it have any fellow sticks to go with it or do we have to provide our own friendship sticks to go with the broken one?
A: Sadly it is now a single stick. Its fellows have shunned it as unworthy of public appearance and its lack of private health insurance rules out cosmetic reconstitution. A friendship stick would cettainly perk up the little chap.
Q: I am told that these are quite rare and that like money, they don't grow on trees. Where do Morris sticks come from?
A: Other Morris sides
Q: We buy quite a few sticks like the one you show and have to admit losing quite a few to unscrupulous members of the morris fraternity - in fact 'Interpole' keeps their eye on this very serious situation for us. So, how do I know that this is in fact your stick to sell - would you be able to supply a believable provenance?
A: DNA testing would show that only Little Egypt Morris Men have handled this stick
Q: Have you provenence for this seemingly delightful item, or must it (in anticipation of future and hopefully inflationary submissions to auction in the round) be regarded as an orphan pedicle of no particular intrinsic artistic value? Obliged, m
A: In truth its artistic merit is entirely dependent on the skill of the dancer wielding it. On its own it is merely ...a stick. Albeit much loved.
Q: Any woodworm?
A: Any woodworm attempting to build a home would have been sent flying into the audience during vigorous danciing, so no.
Q: Can you assure me this is the genuine article as i believe several cheap imports from Japan are being imported. Also has it any manufacturers marks for authentication?
A: Unfortunately the Guild of Suffolk Foresters Quality Assured Kitemark (GOSFQAK) was obliterated in the carnage
Q: Welch tonart ist der sticken?
A: Regrettably my Esperanto is a little rusty...
Q: If I used it to beat my dog, would you mind?
A: If you can run faster than your dog while carrying the stick that's fine by me
Q: Agen!!!: Welch tonart ist die sticken: C/F, G/C, D/G?
A: Ein englischer Stock sein es ist in d/g natürlich
Q: If we sawed off the split part of the stick, does enough stick remain for short stick dances?
A: It might serve for Fanny Frail on a very cold day
Q: Is it legal to use this stick across the pond? All our sticks only come from the states!
A: Depends what you want to use it for...
Q: Would you be willing to throw in a tube of plastic wood? I think it's saveable!
A: It'll need more than one tube
Q: Forgive me, but this stick seems rather puny and ill-used. Will we expect to see any healthy, robust, full-length sticks entering the market from the environs of Little Egypt anytime soon?
Q: I am interested in this stick, having acquired numerous similar artefacts over the last year. One particular item I am seeking is a stick reputed to have been used by a Norwegian, a Sir David Jukes I believe? Is it possible that this stick is graced with his DNA? This would enahnce my bid ceiling, so to speak. Thanking you.
A: You refer of course to our intrepid explorer who has dedicated his life to entering forbidden parts in his home country, including Trondheim, Lillehammer and particularly Oslo. His DNA is guaranteed to be present on this stick.
Q: If we were the winning bidder could we collect in person... thus saving on the exorbitant postal costs listed?
A: Unfortunately not. The stick is at present convalescing in a private clinic in Switzerland and will be dispatched from there.
Q: Hmm.. are you sure this is true 'in action' damage? Looks more like some bloke's squashed it with a well placed boot. It alters it's value quite a bit if it's been faked.
A: Absolutely genuine dancing damage. Would you doubt the word of a Morris Man???????
Q: The buyer for which I am acting as broker asks: Has this stick ever been used abroard? Were there any problems with customs? Would it be suitable for use by a female morrise danseuse? Is it possible to guarante that it is cleansed of any traces of the Dave Jukes DNA referred to in a previous answer?
A: Your buyer can rest assured that the stick is licensed for worldwide dancing. Any use by a female danseuse should have been logged in the risk assessment file and there is no record of such in this case. Cleansing of Sir Dave Amundsen Jukes DNA traces would incur an additional fee of 1million krone.
Q: Does the stick come with a warranty? If so, is there also an option for an extended warranty?
A: Yes, the warranty guarantees that the stick is broken. Any extension would depend on the ability of the dancer to perform extreme thrusts whilst executing the perfect reverse caper.
Q: I'm looking for a stick capable of use in the Suffolk dance known as STEAMBOAT, which I know well. Can you assure me that it knows the dance better than Trevor Newsome, or indeed any other Morris Men of Little Egypt?
A: If it knew Steamboat as well as it should it would not have ended up in its present parlous state. A bad morris dancer always blames his stick.
Q: I will see your broken stick and raise you a broken rock. http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6247104447
A: We gave up using rocks - sparks caused by vigorous dances caused hats to be set alight
Q: If sharpened to a point, would this stick be suitable for polishing off a vampire? Thank you.
A: Unfortunately not - apparently hazel does not posess Vampire killing properties
Q: As an (anachronistic) American Morris Dancer I have an urge to gain control of your stick. The reason is of course that there are no, or very very few, sticks in America that are, in fact, English. Therefore I have several questions, to whit: 1) Is an apology in order due to my previous assertion referring to possesion of the stick, and 2) If the stick were to come to America, would it feel as bad as we do under the current American Legislative Administration? Thankyou for your attention, XX (I've drawn enough attention to myself already)
A: Almost certainly
Q: Thank you for your clarification regarding the Oslo connection, and the DNA therein. Would I therefore infer that there may be other Nordic DNA present? If succesful in my bid, would the seller accept a pint of Old Peculiar at the local hostelry of his (or her?) choosing?
A: It has often been suggested but never proved that other Nordic DNA may be present - any beer acceptable as long as it's not Gr@@@e K@@g IPA
Q: Is this stick suitable for use as a mast for a catamaran i am building? If the stick breaks when im sailing can i have a refund?
A: More suitable for a Kittenamaran
Q: Would you be prepared to extend the bidding dealine as The Wild Hunt Bedlam Morris would very much like to add this stick to our own collection of used Morris items but we have unfortunately spent all our funds on beer and would need time to raise the capital in order to bid.
A: We would consider instalments at 10% per day interest
Q: who is hazel? Is this a new development?
A: She's our crumhorn player
Q: What is this Morris Man's short dancing of which you speak?
A: We welcome men of any stature in Little Egypt
Look at Tommo, Nunu and Baggie, and you'll see we don't have much choice. Ed.
Q: Is the Grass shown included? and can you verify that the wood is of genuine origine...I.E it grows on trees! and is suitable for recycling under Government act 31045321 .... and may conform, to environmental policy CMY169.76jk ??? DEREK the Nutter!!
A: The grass is not real - the photo was taken on a greengrocer's market stall. The stick however is 100% genuine wood - we use nothing else.
Q: Would you be prepared to sell to a female morris dancer, or is it ring sides only?
A: Buyers of any sexual orientation are welcome
Q: More informational support than a question. Your stick cannot be licensed for world wide use, and the American morris dancer enquiring about potential import of an English stick to the USA may fall foul of the US customs and border protection who have strict regulations about the import of timber. See - Second Phase Of Enforcement for Wood Packaging Material Import Regulations which Begin Feb. 1. As a frequent business visitor to the US, we were once asked to provide a certificate from the manufacturer proving that a DVD drive contained no wooden parts. OR - you could just order a specialised Bazel stick from Great Western Morris who will smuggle this in at great risk. For an appropriate reward.
A: Thankyou for that - let's hope the winning bid comes from the UK!